The song remains the same

I saw you today

because I didn't know how not to

My fingers snake each other

beneath the diner formica table as you speak

in that torpid way of yours

coming from that ancient face 

older than years lived

you speak of lithium 

and lipitor and thyroid meds

and I listen

and then I get the better of me 

telling myself not to dig too deeply

no fifth degree~

not wanting to be played for a fool 

knowing you know how I feel anout truth, but

not knowing the game

the ins and outs of addiction

talking about lipitor of all things

not peach snapple and vodka 

not over-medicating yourself into oblivion

and I need to avert my eyes while you eat

as tuna sandwich detritus 

sticks to a flaccid mouth

dropping to your lap and

when the check comes

you miscalculate 

can't add and I feel no shame telling you

what you owe

 because I am angry and hurt and sickened

as you sing into your purse 

looking for your money

talkng about your smart phone bill

being $500 dollars for one month about apps that remained on 

and your innocence

it was verizon and 

truth never surfaces

never sees the light of day

as you apologise

about being on drugs

about being in a bad place

about your sorrow 

and the whole time knowing you lie, you are lying

and we make another lunch date for next week or the week after next

and I wonder how you fill your days

but prefer not knowing

because it won't matter

it won't change because

"the song remains the same"

and I listen while

my hands roil beneath the diner formica table

kimberly baker jacovich

Choice ~
regretful
in anger
years go
always
overlooking
stepping lightly
moment by moment
(repulsed)
no laughter
no joy
only familiarity 
too many years
being 
nothing
with you

Kimberly Baker Jacovich   10.3.12